Football rumours: José Mourinho to Monaco ?

José Mourinho peers out of his first-class cabin on the boat to Monaco. Photograph: Javier Soriano/AFP/Getty Images Sunday: a Newcastle fan punches a horse in the face. Wednesday: Newcastle want to sign Andy Carroll. Yeah, the Mill sees your game, Newcastle and if you think it's going to be that easy to restore your reputation in the animal kingdom, particularly the equine section, you've got another thing coming. Horses aren't the only ones being offended by the Toon Army though. With West Ham seemingly incapable of making Carroll's loan move permanent, Newcastle have generously decided to step in and make Liverpool's life easier by signing him for … £10m, which is £25m less than they received for him two years ago. Damien Comolli's legacy lives on! Failing that, Newcastle will sign St Etienne's Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang for £10m instead. Paris Saint-Germain smoothball Leonardo would quite fancy Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney, Nani, Karim Benzema, Yohan Cabaye, Franck Ribéry, Samir Nasri, an invite to Margaret Thatcher's funeral, the moon on a stick, a lifetime's supply of steak, a starring role in the next James Bond film, his own island and José Mourinho. Unfortunately ambitious Ligue 2 club Monaco also want Mourinho and are ready to "blow their rivals out of the water" – which seems cruel and unnecessary – to land him. Mourinho wants £12m a year to return to Chelsea but while they haggle over whether or not he should be allowed to have a solid gold toilet in the technical area at Stamford Bridge, Monaco's billionaire Russian owner, Dmitry Rybolovlev, will swoop. Gotta love those Russian billionaire owners, José! Mourinho's not the only man who could be returning to his old stamping ground. PSV Eindhoven want to rescue children's entertainer Heurelho Gomes from his "Tottenham hell", while Porto are running the rule over Manchester United disappointment Anderson, who has failed to live up to expectations at Old Trafford. Throw in a packet of Haribo and Porto have got themselves a deal. Tottenham have realised that they need a striker. It's only three months too late, but well done all the same. Hamburg's £10m South Korea forward, Son Heung-min is the man they want to fill the space where Emmanuel Adebayor is theoretically supposed to be. André Villas-Boas is also after Porto's Ghana winger, Christian Atsu, and is ready to sneeze up £8m to sign him. Everton and Sunderland are also interested. Can you hear that sound, John Terry? Why, it's the sound of the clock ticking on your future at Chelsea, who are going to spend £20m to sign Vasco da Gama's highly-rated Brazil centre-back, Dedé, who has already played seven times for his country. Liverpool were planning a £15m bid but, well, y'know. Galatasaray want Kerim Frei. That rhymes. Frei plays for Fulham, but not for much longer. Southampton are planning a "double raid" on Cagliari. They want the Belgian winger, Radja Nainggolan, for £15m and could also be in for the defender, Davide Astori. You're nothing without a Belgian these days. The Mill simply must use all its wit and charm to befriend one.

People would say I’m a Short Woman – Nigerian Comedian, Helen Paul

Helen Paul-Bamisail has been a household name in entertainment industry. The Edo State- born comedian, presenter, singer and actress popularly known as Tatafo doesn’t need any introduction. Ask any Nigerian kid and he would tell you that lady who mimicked our voice. The University of Lagos (UNILAG) graduate of Theatre Art is counting her blessing on her baby voice that has brought her to limelight with little or no scandal. In an exclusive interview with Saturday Sun, the mother of one bared her mind on her journey into entertainment as an all-rounder and why the name Tatafo. Background I am from Edo State but born and bred in Lagos. I attended all my schools in Lagos- primary school to the university. I had my Master’s degree and other certificates in Lagos. The name Tatafo Tatafo was given to me by a friend called Matthew. Matthew is someone that is very hilarious. We used to work together at Eko Mix school’s, that’s Eko FM. And most times we sit together and exchange jokes. So, later Matthew left Eko real mix studios and got a job at Radio Continental as a producer. He suggested that I could use this Tatafo thing as a good content on radio. I accepted the idea as longer I would make a living out of it. Sincerely, I just enjoy mimicking people and I mimic not just children, even adults, friends and family. By so doing, I was now able to adopt the baby voice and ever since I’ve been using it. Growing up Very funny, I had an interesting scenario and a lot of fun. I grew up in Fadeyi area of Lagos with my great-grandmother, a strong disciplinarian. Later I started staying with my mum, though she is playful, but at the same time disciplined. She doesn’t need to shout on you or talk too much, with her blinks alone, you already know what she means. Her singing also tells you something, so you should know what to do. I grew up with those things, learning to talk with non-verbal communication. It was very interesting and that’s what made me who I am today. Parents My dad is in Abuja and he is someone who is busy, but my mum is the one I see every time when I need to pay school fees, eat and when I cry. She laughs with me when I laugh. She is always there with me. That’s why I am always fond of her as the only child. Challenges helen-paul-at-the-elegushi-beach-8I don’t think I have challenges in my life. I didn’t actually know I was going to shine. So, I’m always enjoying myself, doing what I like to do best. But I didn’t really struggle. I was actually shocked at a point that I would get this type of attention, audience and love from my fans. Sincerely, I want to use this opportunity to thank all my fans that showed me love and made me feel special. With my fans, I don’t think and feel like coming out faking. I would like to come out real- the way I want to look, talk, dance and jump. They make me work hard and try to give them new things. So, when we talk about challenges really, I am just grateful to God because I’m not always talking about odd moments. If you keep celebrating your past, you will never move forward. So, I only look forward. Marriage I got married in 2010. I met my husband through my boss, Uncle Paul in our office then in Eko FM and we were friends. He was first brother. I used to call him brother, but now I call him by by his name, Femi. For me, I’m just enjoying myself. Anything I feel like doing, I invest in it and tell God about it. I am not thinking evil of anyone, I’ve never thought of destroying anybody’s life nor doing any evil to someone. So, why should my own have any problem? Things would work for me except anyone that is sitting down, thinking of evil and not have time to think of new ideas. I’ve never thought of all that. There’s no way you will be plain with God that things will not keep coming to you. Ideas and concepts would be coming, but when you are there, destroying other people, busy thinking of what you`re not meant to think, of course you will not be able to come out with concepts or ideas. Why celebrity marriages crash No one wants to break up his/her marriage, no one wants to cry. It can happen because there are no rules on how you can stay in marriage. If God is helping you, you thank your God. If it is not working for other people, we have to pray for them that God will help them locate the best person that would make them happy all their lives. It’s not just in entertainment industry that marriage problem comes. No, it happens in other industries but just because we are famous, that’s why people keep shouting that actresses, actors, musicians, comedians and those in the industry don’t stay in marriage. The real fact is that it happens, it’s a normal thing that happens in our society. It happens in the banking sector. It happens to doctors, lawyers, etc. No one wants marriage break-up, no one wants to pull out of marriage. Marriage is a good thing, but you know, it’s not easy coming together as husband and wife. That means you`re thinking of the other person. Scandal Some people always abuse me too. Sometimes when I don’t have time to make up, they abuse me. They would say that without make-up I’m not fine. Some people would say I’m a short woman, but I don’t care because it is not about size. If they don’t talk about you, that means you are no more living or relevant. Programmes I like it. I feel very cool. I just love camera. When I see camera or anytime I see micro-phone in front of me, I’m always excited. Experience doing her job and at the same time pregnant It was not easy, our body is different. For me, I’m a sanguine. helen-paul-at-the-elegushi-beach-6It’s very funny. Whenever I was pregnant, the child would start blowing me when I was on duty. I would caution him not to disturb me, that I am working. I would tell the unborn baby, “You know I’ve tried by transporting you down to Nigeria, so you too behave yourself.”. I took my drugs when I was meant to take them. It’s not easy being a mother. Advice to youths I tell them to keep being themselves, live a positive life and don’t try to please anyone. If someone is wearing Brazilian hair, you wear your three-in-one if you can afford it and carry yourself well. Success is not the way you look, it is what is inside you. If you are joyful and happy inside, the sky is your limit or your beginning. Just keep being yourself and don’t let anyone talk down to you. You don’t try and follow what the society wants you to be. Who does God want you to be? Those are the questions you should be asking yourself. It is up to you to confess it over and over again to yourself that you are a great woman of substance, different from other women. Vision We thank God for the gift of life. The Bible says, “Write the vision and make it clear so that men can run along with you”. So, this is the vision you’re seeing now. I have a bridal shop, I sell ankara, lace fabrics and all stuff. I want God to keep giving me concepts; I pray for more ideas, I pray to get better each year, each time and season. If you cannot utilise your dreams, someone else would use them to utilize his/her own. Crazy experience by a fan My fans are my friends and my love. One of the experiences I had was the day a fan slapped me from behind, out of excitement, but I could not talk. I am sure I cannot take that again. Such a person would be arrested person. Treasure Truth be told, God’s mercy. I value His mercy; I pray His grace should not leave me. Advice by her mother concerning sex and men She told me, “Don’t open your laps for men, they are bad”. Everybody is my friend, I said so, but men are bad, simple. And they are very deceptive. I had it in mind. So, I fought them, I made them my friends and nothing more than friends. Not only men that deceive, women deceive too and women’s own is worse. Most times, I’m the one that breaks their hearts, because I have many male friends. Often, men don’t actually see me as a girl they can toast, rather they see me as a sister. My mind is not dirty, anything that wants to happen would happen, first through your mind. So, my mind is plain and their mind too is plain. It is when one is thinking of evil that evil would come and consume the person. I was a tomboy, so they didn’t see me as a girl, they saw me as a sister. Uti and me My husband is jealous of me and my love Uti. He is my love on Jara show, nobody can take the place of it. Uti is my love, because Uti makes me get money from Jara. I like Uti very well. Music album As I said, every gift of God within me must find expression. I have talent to sing, dance and do comedy. I have talent to sell things, so I am just enjoying myself. Stage fright As I said before, be yourself, enjoy what you do and definitely people would identify with you. Once you are good, people will follow you. People, who wouldn’t want to follow will sit down, so just be you and observe your society. Acting career I act now. My director and producer, Elvis Chuks invited me one day. He said I’m funny and should come and act. I demanded my money and he quickly paid me and I was very happy. When I heard I was going to act along with Funke Akindele, Mama G and Bishop, I was excited. That brought out the joy in me. We did it, so we thank God.

Ribery ruled out of Arsenal clash

The Bavarian powerhouse will be without the France winger in Wednesday's match as they aim to book their place in the quarter-finals Bayern Munich coach Jupp Heynckes will have to do without the services of Franck Ribery for the second-leg of their last-16 Champions League clash with Arsenal. The France international featured for the full 90 minutes in Bayern's 3-2 Bundesliga win over Fortuna Dusseldorf at the weekend and even scored the equaliser to make it 2-2 in the 73rd minute. Nevertheless, he complained about pain in his left ankle after the match, and Bayern have now confirmed that he will not be match fit in time for Wednesday's clash with the Gunners. Ribery's injury is yet another blow for Heynckes, who will also be without Bastian Schweinsteiger and Jerome Boateng due to suspension. Bayern defend a 3-1 lead from the first leg at the Emirates Stadium.

Wenger: We have to believe we can beat Bayern Munich

Arsenal were beaten 3-1 by the Bundesliga leaders at the Emirates in the first leg of the Champions League last-16 tie, but the Gunners' boss insists his side still have a chance Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger insists his players must believe they can beat Bayern Munich in their upcoming Champions League last-16 second-leg clash if they are to stand any chance of overturning the 3-1 loss at the Emirates. The Gunners were blown away by the Bundesliga leaders in London with goals from Toni Kroos, Thomas Muller and Mario Mandzukic giving the Germans a commanding advantage for the return leg at the Allianz Arena on Wednesday. Despite the unenviable task facing Wenger's side, the Frenchman wants his team to pull together and make the "impossible possible" in order to progress to the quarter-finals of the illustrious competition. "There have been a few wins by Arsenal in the Champions League that we are all very proud of. We just have to convince ourselves that we can do it in Munich as well," he told Arsenal Player. "Yes, the chance is small, but the chance makes the impossible possible. That would be a great credit for our team if we do it. We have to try to achieve it. Our mentality is to go there, not resigned, but ambitious and provoke things, not go there and think 'we will not qualify anyway'. No, not at all. "We have to go there and give ourselves a chance to qualify with everybody believing we can do it. We have to behave on the football pitch like a team who wants to do it. That will be the task in the preparation." While Bayern will provide a fearsome offensive threat with the likes of Mandzukic and Muller (as well as Arjen Robben, who is struggling for a starting XI place), Wenger hinted that he will set out his team to get goals from the off. "How will we go into the game tactically? I haven't decided yet," he continued. "It will be with an ambitious plan, that is for sure. We have to try to put Bayern on the back foot; subconsciously anyway, they think they are through and we have to subconsciously think that we can do it. The only way to do it is to have a very positive attitude from the start."

Champions League is the pinnacle, says Carl Jenkinson

The Gunners right-back is in line to play against Bayern Munich and wants to keep his side in the "fantastic" competition that he dreamt of playing in as a youngster Arsenal defender Carl Jenkinson has insisted that he is determined to keep his side in the Champions League as it is "the pinnacle of football". The 21-year-old is in the frame to face Bayern Munich at the Allianz Arena on Wednesday in the second leg of the Gunners' last-16 clash, as his side look to try to overturn a 3-1 first-leg deficit after a difficult night at the Emirates Stadium two weeks ago. Jenkinson, a boyhood Arsenal fan, has admitted that he has come to realise that the Champions League is the height of football, and is excited about getting the opportunity to appear in the tournament again. "I've learned and realised that the Champions League is just the pinnacle of football," he told the club's official website. "When I was growing up watching the Champions League, it's the competition you dream of playing in. "The build-up, the song that's played before the game that sends shivers down your spine, everything about the Champions League is just classy. It's where you want to be as a footballer. "I love playing in it. I've been lucky enough to play a few games in it, and I've enjoyed every minute. "I used to go to games when I was younger, and I'd be at school telling my mates I'm going to the Champions League tonight's. It's just a big buzz. "There's such an aura about the Champions League. It's a fantastic tournament and I can't get enough of it."

The Goal Rich List 2013: Rules of Engagement

This list comprises a wealth index of current and active professional footballers, as measured by their identifiable wealth. Those who qualify for the list include Fifa registered professional players of all nationalities in any professional league across the world - or registered players currently without a club, but who are actively looking to sign for a professional club. We attempt to measure only identifiable assets including salaries, length of contract, bonuses, endorsement and sponsorship deals, accounts filed at Companies House, properties and other business interests. We have no access to bank accounts and do not attempt to compromise player privacy in any way. As a result, cash holdings in private accounts are not considered in this research and so actual wealth may vary slightly from the figures we have concluded. Business interests may include stakes in quoted companies as of 31 December 2012. It is much more difficult valuing stakes in private companies. We try as a general rule, to base valuations on the prevailing price/earnings ratio for a sector or an equivalent quoted company. Business interests under the name of a spouse or other family members cannot always be accounted for, but where this is possible these have been taken into account. We do not rely on gossip or other tittle-tattle in compiling this list. Most of the player information has been sourced from public sources such as company accounts lodged in Companies House or international equivalents. We have also drawn upon the expertise of reputable sources such as France Football, Forbes, The Financial Times, Four Four Two magazine, The Times, the Mail on Sunday, sportingintelligence.com, SportsPro Media, Transfermarkt and Deloitte. We have also spoken to and utilised the expertise and knowledge of a number of player agents, marketing experts and club sources. We only use private information about individuals if it has been published already in reputable newspapers, magazines or reference work or is known by reputable sources within the football and related industries, but information gathered from players is not always verifiable with absolute certainty. Where currency values have had to be converted, we have used currency valuations as of 31 December 2012 and we have not included the financial aspects of any deals or renegotiations that players may have enjoyed after 31 December 2012.

Barcelona have a 90 per cent chance of signing Neymar, says Roberto Carlos

The Brazil legend feels the 21-year-old's future lies at Camp Nou and is confident he will fit in well with the Blaugrana's star names Former Brazil international Roberto Carlos believes that Santos star Neymar is destined to join Barcelona at some point in the future. The tricky attacker stated earlier this week that he does not have a preference between the Catalan powerhouse and Real Madrid, but his compatriot has little doubt that he will eventually end up at Camp Nou. "I have spoken with him. He should have left Brazil already in my opinion. I believe that Barcelona have a 90 per cent chance of signing him," Roberto Carlos told Al Jazeera. The 39-year-old then went on to dismiss suggestions that the attacker might not be compatible with Lionel Messi. "He is able to adapt to any situation," he added. Neymar has a contract with Santos until the summer of 2014.